"That one isn't yours, is it?"

Being a "white girl" marrying a "black guy," left it fair for me to assume that I wasn’t going to have a child that looked exactly like me. So, when my husband and I got pregnant with our first baby, we figured we weren't going to have a white skinned, blue-eyed baby.  Because my husband is half white, we knew there was some room to wonder, but we figured our baby would take on more of his characteristics than mine.  And we were right. Our beautiful baby girl, Zoe, was born, with her dark skin, curly hair and brown eyes.  She looked exactly like her daddy and she was breathtaking.  Because we live in California, seeing a white mom with a black child is nothing to take a second glance at.  Don’t get me wrong, I did have the few ignorant people ask me if she was adopted or who’s baby she was, but it was rare.  Than pregnancy came a knockin’ again.  We could not wait to welcome our second baby girl into this world and I was pretty sure she would be beautiful just like her sister.  Then, Kaia was born and she was beautiful, just not just like her sister.  This beautiful white skinned, blue-eyed baby entered our lives and forever changed my perspective on our world.  “She’s white,” my husband and I said. “She’s white,” the pediatrician said. “She’s white,” our family and friends said.  The fact that she is white wasn’t really all that surprising, because she looks exactly like me.  The fact that she is blue-eyed wasn’t really a surprise either; because I am blue eyed and so is my mother-in-law. I guess we all just assumed she would look like her sister, and that is why we were surprised. 

Now, back to her changing my perspective on this crazy world we live in.  So, as I said before, seeing a white mom with a black child…not so weird, but seeing a white mom with a black child and a white child really throws people for a loop.  “Oh your baby is so beautiful. That one [Zoe] isn’t yours is it?” “Are you the Nanny?” “Do they have the same Dad?” “No, they aren’t real sisters!” “Why is she so dark?” or “Why is the baby so white?” These are comments I get on a regular basis from strangers at the park, at Target, at the bank, at the grocery store, at Costco, etc.  And I always give a very short and direct answer, “Yes, they have the same Dad,” “Yes, they are both mine,” “Yes, they are real sisters.” But what I really want to say is, “Are you an idiot?” Then I’d like to punch them and walk away.  After angrily telling my husband about these comments day after day, he said, “I cannot believe you haven’t gone off on someone yet.” And to be honest, I can’t believe to either.  But, Zoe is my rock.  Every time I encounter an ignorant idiot, I remind myself that Zoe is watching and listening to how I respond to people to gauge how she should feel about herself. Zoe is beautiful, smart, loving and the light of our lives and she knows it…because we tell her.  Kaia is beautiful, smart, loving and the light of our lives and she will know it also…because we tell her. What everyone else says will become background noise, because our children will know who they are and what ignorance looks like…at least that is my hope. 

Ready or not, here comes baby…

Is she going to like her new baby sister? Will she kick/bite/hit/suffocate the new baby? Will she think Mommy loves her less now that there is a new baby?  These are all questions we 2^nd time mommies ask ourselves on the eve of our new baby’s arrival.  And the answer only becomes apparent when that new baby enters our life. 

Zoe was 15 months old when we found out I was pregnant with our 2^nd child.  Instantly I wondered how Zoe would feel about our new addition?  Because I am a stay-at-home Mommy, Zoe has had a lot of me, all of the time.  I am there to pick her up out of her crib, read her books, wipe her face, kiss her booboos, have tea parties, and rock and sing to her until she falls asleep.  Would I still be able to do all this with a new baby clinging to my boob all day?  In retrospect, it was more my fears poking through then Zoe’s. Even though we would have bet the farm that Zoe would HATE her new sister, we were absolutely wrong.  When Nana brought Zoe into the hospital room for the first time to meet her sister, she was in love.  It was like she instantly knew that our baby belonged in our family.  And, she has not stopped loving her since.  When I say “loving her,” I mean literally, I have to pry Zoe off of her because she wants to kiss and hug her all day.  She wakes up asking for “Kai” (her nickname for Kaia), Kaia is the first one to get a kiss from Zoe in the morning and the last one to get one (and sometimes 10) before bed, Zoe “reminds” me to get “Kai” when we are leaving the house or getting out of the car.  She wipes her mouth during meals and makes sure I am well aware when Kaia is not happy. This little Tasmanian Devil of mine is like a little Mommy…gentle, loving, concerned.  What a wonderful surprise.  Oh and I still am able to pick her up out of her crib, read her books, wipe her face, kiss her booboos, have tea parties, and rock and sing to her until she falls asleep…all with a baby hanging on my boob all day!

Mommy tips to help your toddler have a smooth transition while welcoming new baby:

(1) Check your expectations at the door.  These little people can be very surprising, so give them the benefit of the doubt!

(2) Lead by example! Show your toddler how to treat the new baby and they will be less likely to try to put a pillow over baby’s face while baby sleep so peacefully in the swing.

(3) Make sure, if ever asked, each and every one of your children would say that they are your “favorite!”

(4) Love unconditionally…always.

A Day in the Life of the Davis Ladies. Ready, Set, Go....

Each day offers new adventure, but this is what a typical day in the life of the Davis ladies looks like.  Hold on to your seat.  Get up at 6:30am with Baby (oh, did I mention I have an almost 6 month old daughter also?), change, feed, bounce, sing to, and Hurricane Zo awakens.  You will understand later how our sweet Zoe earned herself the nickname Hurricane Zo. “Maaaammmmaaa” she yells as I run down the hallway to get her.  And then we are off! Breakfast (“No Zoe, you are not ‘all done’ yet. You have to eat at least one thing.”), get dressed (“You may not leave the house without a t-shirt, Zoe.  Mama will wait until you are ready to put it on.”), run around the house, throw ALL toys from toy box, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, ride tricycle up and down the hallway, scream like a wild woman, load up the car, and off we go.  Costco (“You have to sit down in the cart or you will get strapped in!”), Target (“No, you may not get ALL of those toys, chose ONE!”), Grocery store (IPhone apps are used to distract), Park (“NO throwing sand!!”), Lunch (“Zoe, please do not throw your food on the floor!”), and then home. At this point it is naptime. Now you must understand, Hurricane Zo will not nap unless she is strapped in (i.e. car seat or stroller), so off we go on a walk in our double wide! After a battle to stay awake, she gives in and the Hurricane is finally at rest. I pull the stroller into the house (VERY carefully) and off to do dishes, laundry, and put all toys back in toy box (for the first of many times today).  Mama walks over to sit down, butt hits the couch and Hurricane Zo is awake! Another walk is taken, but this time the tricycle is involved.  This Walk includes lots of “Zoe, wait for Mama” and “Zoe STOP!”  The rest of the afternoon is filled with more throwing of toys, lots of screaming and running around the house, a little bit of “Zoe get your foot off your sisters face” or “Zoe, do not pick up your sister!” Dinner, bath time, Princess and the Frog, Daddy gets home (Yay!), Zoe gets a second wind and there is more running, jumping, dancing and screaming and then it’s bedtime.  9:00pm -- All is quiet in the Davis household! Mama and Daddy sit down to watch TV. 9:01pm – Daddy: How was your day today?” Mama: Silent. Daddy: “Babe?!?” Mama: Asleep!

Mommy Tips for staying sane (and keeping your toddler sane) on these hectic days:

(1) Would it really kill you to take a detour down the toy isle at Target? I mean, it is your 6^th trip there this week!

(2) Play with your child at the park. This may seem like the perfect time to sit on the bench and catch up on Words With Friends, but your toddler needs someone to teach them not to throw sand and not to hide the toys from the other children.

(3) Choose a lunch spot your toddler likes (and that is loud). Trust me on this one. This will allow you to eat your meal in more than the two-bite face stuffing. (Mommies, you know what I mean!)

(4) Refrain from fighting any battles you cannot win quickly and quietly. You will save yourself the embarrassment of having to threaten your toddler with “When we get home, you are getting a time-out” or “Do you want me to call your Dad at work?”

(5) And…smile and laugh often!

My child will never do that....

As a trained Therapeutic Behavioral Specialist and Masters educated MFT, I knew that "My child would never do that."  No way, no how.  I would "control" each and every situation prior to the tantrum or the undesirable behavior.  As I watch in amazement while mom drags her screaming toddler out of the grocery store, "My child will never do that!"  I gasp at mom buying her two-year-old the toy she said "no" to minutes before, which lead to his epic meltdown, "My child will never do that!" I shake my head in disapproval at the mother chasing her toddler as he runs in the opposite direction laughing, "My child will NEVER do that!!"  It's very easy to be a judgemental non-parent.  Then my sweet baby turned two, and guess what? SHE DID THAT! Each and every thing that I shook my head at in disbelief, my toddler joyously acted out while I despriately tried to avoid eye contact with all the "oh so" judgement non-parents.  I think to myself, who are these people staring at me while I am obvoiusly struggling to control this situation? Well, I was that person, and you probably were (or still are) also. So, lets figure out how to be understanding of a mommys daily "adventures" (that's the word that I like to use instead of madness).